1/15/2025
Hi ya fans. I hate to boast, but I made the call on the top team in Division 2 losing, and a mere hours later it happened. Apparently it's not a good thing to have your school mentioned in my loss prognostications. It's similar to the Sports Illustrated cover jinx, only with about ten million less people knowing about it.
Now that Nova Southeastern has lost, I think Daemen is a good candidate to be the new number one team, but I don't see them winning it all either. This team is not even in the top 50 in free throw percentage, clanking the charity stripe shots at a 68 percent clip. They're so poor from the line, neighbors have complained about the noise.
I can do better than 68% at a local carnival with the oversized ball and the rim that was welded into the shape of a football.
Can they put hours of practice in between now and March and get that number up? Sure, but that would be to the detriment of working on all the other stuff that they are good at. So you'll probably see a couple of their guys getting hack a Shaq'ed during the tourney, which always makes for horrible viewing.
I want to make it abundantly clear that I don't root against this team or Nova Southeastern, I just felt like running the table was gonna be difficult and winning a national title is unlikely when your free throw attempts resemble the half court heaves during the intermissions.
Lastly, I'll add that this column is not a betting column, although the recent mail I've received would prove otherwise.
Dear Paul
Great call on the Nova loss. I'm looking at the slate for tonight, wondering if you could hook me up with a Heinz?
Chet from KC.
Dear Chet, not sure what a Heinz is exactly, but this is not a betting site. So either go on one, or if my assumption is wrong, then sorry, I don't lend out my ketchup to people from out of state.
Paulie, you nailed that one!! I had them running the table and lost my propostition bet. Do you see any other losses for them coming up, maybe I can claw back some of what I lost? Do you see any parleys out there that look good?
Chris, Brooklyn NY.
Dear Chris, sorry for the brief letter, but this is getting redundant. This is not a betting column. Never was, never will be. The best way to claw back what you lost is to find a job. Based on your spelling ability, I'd wager you're a nine point underdog. If you do beat the odds and land an interview, now your horrific spelling will play to your favor; as you'll be facing the interviewer and can begin the process of “parleying.”
1/8/2025
Hi everybody. We are back in full swing, with some important games as we come out of the break. Three teams at the top of the rankings are still undefeated. Nova Southeastern of course being one of them. The nickname for this squad is the Sharks, but they may as well just call themselves the Dolphins because their schedule is reminiscent of the state's football team that always falls apart once they venture North. I'm referring to the one that has Tua Suckswhen-its-cold-out-Ailoa as the QB. I'm not making any bold predictions yet, but the toughest game the Sharkphins had all year was the game where they travelled to Alabama. Not exactly leaving the deep South; nonetheless they only won that game by one point What happens when they really travel out of their comfort zone?
Let me take this point from another angle. As we speak I'm sitting in a 62 degree bedroom typing away on a computer with fingers that are about to reach frostbite levels. This is partly because my house is heated with a heat pump, a device I was later told should never be installed above Maryland.
I don't live above Maryland. Well I do, but when they sold me this thing, I failed to note that they were holding the map upside down.
But living up north makes you a tough bastard. That's why the Celtics and the Patriots have been so successful, and the Dolphins, and Falcons and Atlanta Hawks have not. I think we would all agree that rebounding is a tough job. Well, guess who leads the country in rebounds for Division II basketball? Paul Greene from Freeport Bahamas. Paul Greene made a bold move and decided to leave his warm home island and freeze his ass off in NH for his college career, and this man child is owning the glass for Southern NH. Guess where the top 3 defensive teams in Div II all hail from? Missouri, NY, and Alaska. You're not gonna find any Florida weather there, and you're also not likely to find any heat pumps.
So let's keep an eye on this air conditioned, non - dried skin juggernaut Nova Southeastern, because they won't face a cold team until March Madness; when they will have to travel to Indiana, if they even make it that far. Just be ready, and have some chapstick handy cuz you're gonna need it.
Postscript: Nova Southeastern lost this week. What did I tell you?
1/3/2025
Happy New Year Division 2 basketball players, coaches and fans. Since late September, I've been working on drumming up interest in the season, and trying to provide everyone with insight along the way. Now I'm told the players are on break this week? Just as we start to pick up speed? What? If I was given the same leeway, the article would look something like this.
How do you like that? That's about what you've provided me in terms of news. That big white space is me drinking and passing out on a barcalounger becuz the players are all home doing God knows what. You want breaks, then I get breaks. I'm so bored I'm gonna jump into the writer's portal.
That space there was me driving to the liquor store for more booze, then arriving home and realizing my keyboard is covered in Tom Collins Mixer.
Jan 1 2025 The..
That blank there with a partial sentence was New Year's Eve, a particularly rough one. You can see that I woke up on New Year's Day, and started to write, but then fell back into the throes of alcohol poisoning. We either do this basketball thing together, everyone pulling their weight, or we don't do it all. I see the schedule picks up again soon, so I'll start drying out in anticipation of the resumptio of the seaso. Seaso is ot a typo by the way, the key is permaetly jammed for that letter. Tom Collis, could you ease up o' the cor syrup already? Ad hey, at least oe of us is tryig to work.
12/28/2024
Division 2 Basketball Mascots Are Off The Hook.
As we head into 2025, there are 4 teams sitting at the top of the rankings with undefeated records. Topping that list is Nova Southeastern, who only faces the 12th ranked team two more times the rest of the way. The remainder of the schedule is against (currently) non-ranked opponents, so running the table is a possibility. I still say there's a loss in there somewhere.
One thing the Division II teams have over their fellow NCAA Div I teams are the great team names and mascots. Division one has plenty of cats and bears, and you go to the game and see a guy dressed up as one of these animals and he's mimicking it. Seen it, done it. In Division II, however, we have teams named the Railsplitters, the Orediggers, the Boll Weevils and the Ichabods. I'm not even Googling these mascots, I'd prefer to just find out when I attend the Finals in wherever it was that I said I'd be traveling to in March. Clearly I haven't booked this flight yet.
But really, what would you rather see, a guy who looks like he wandered off the set of Cats, or a guy dressed up as an Ichabod? What would that even look like? Sounds like a really old man to me. Would there be large tufts of hair growing out of each ear? A tube of Preparation H in his vest pocket? Does he roam the court with a walker, imploring fans to "Speak up, I can't hear ya in this din." Do the fans get cringy when he appears in their section for a selfie? What about a Railsplitter? What is that? A large man with a drinking problem walking around the basketball court with a sledge hammer? I actually Googled Railsplitter and it's a reference to Abe Lincoln. So a guy dressed up as Abe Lincoln is the mascot. Imagine the fights when someone is trying to see the game and can't because some idiot is wearing a top hat. There is another team called the Fighting Okra. Anyone who has ever tried to chew this stuff knows it is pretty tough. Ok, I gotta book a flight, see ya next week.
12/21/2024
Doug Gottlieb, the big mouthed coach of University-Wisconsin Green Bay, is now eating his words after his team lost to Michigan Tech this past week. Michigan Tech! Gottlieb indirectly referred to them and other small schools on the schedule as Nobody U. Doug really shouldn't talk. I wasn't even aware that Green Bay had a University or a hoop team prior to hearing this story. Had you asked me to give my opinion of their opponent Michigan Tech, I would have replied, "I don't cover high school basketball." Had you informed me they weren't a high school team, I would have explained that I don't cover or care about junior high basketball either.
All I can say about Doug Gottlieb is this: he used to fill in as a host for Colin Cowherd occasionally, and I will begrudgingly admit he was ok. But he was cocky on the air cuz he hit a couple of buckets and had several layups in his college career, so this comment doesn't surprise me. Belittle an opponent, end up on their whiteboard as motivation, and suddenly watch a 13 point lead disappear in the second half en route to an 8th straight loss. Kind of ironic isn't it? Eight? A homophone for the verb he was about to do...ie ATE.
But at least now, after several years at the helm, we are finally talking Green Bay basketball. Doug promises that he will turn this thing around, no matter what it takes. At this point what it's going to take is a whole lot more games on the schedule vs Nobody U.
12/15/2024
Hi everyone, hope you're enjoying the season so far. Division II Men's basketball is now just past the halfway point, and one team we should be watching is the Minot State University Beavers. Or, if you live in North Dakota, your Minot State...... you get the point. They are 13-0 , including six wins on neutral courts. Six! They have but two road games so far.
Apparently opponents would prefer to face the Beavers on a neutral court, as opposed to having them come onto their campus and blow their teams doors off. Minot State won its first game in triple OT, but since that win, it has mostly taken its opponents and slapped them around like red headed step children. No offense to red heads, or step children. That line is solely directed at the combination of red head, and step child. They are not mutually exclusive. I just want to make that clear before we go on.
Bill Belichick has now joined the college ranks from the NFL. I could see this working just as easily as I could see it being an unmitigated disaster of Ryan Leafian proportions. I thought it would be fun to see what other potential disasters are out there in the professional basketball leagues, were they to come into the NCAA Division II ranks to coach a team.
Example 1- Greg Popovich. Let's say for example that Greg takes over for #1 Nova Southeastern. Things are going well at first, the ball is moving and easy buckets are being scored. However they run into trouble when Greg collides with his biggest nemesis, Father Time. This is what happens when you hire a 97-year-old coach.
What if Doc Rivers took over Coker University. Doc has been a perennial underachiever in the NBA, constantly blowing 3-1 playoff series leads and then blaming everyone from the last man on the bench to the strength coach. I envision this stooge tries to make up for this by intentionally losing the first game of the tournament, figuring he will also lose the second game and then it will be impossible to have a 3-1 lead to blow. Simple math right? He is reminded after the first game that it is an elimination tourney in college, not a series. Ooops.
Let's assume that Steve Kerr gets hired by Minnesota Duluth after getting kicked out of the NBA for murdering a ref. Could happen. He quickly transforms Duluth into his patented 3-point shot or die offense. The team tumbles down the rankings because Steve evidently forgot that 90 percent of college kids can't shoot.
Ime Udoka gets hired to coach the upstart Point Loma team from California. He has the team humming along and playing great defense. However, the man who got suspended for having an affair with a female in an NBA front office suddenly finds himself surrounded by even younger females on the college campus. Before you know it, he's been served with 22 paternity suits, many of which are found blowing across campus in a windstorm.
Ok, time for one more.
Doc Rivers takes over at Ferris State. The Bulldogs and their legendary program turn to a guy named Doc, who, unlike most doctors we know, seems to always leave things feeling a lot worse than they did before he arrived. Doc was recently fired in the above example I gave, but that's what teams do in this world - they stupidly keep rehiring this guy after he leaves his previous employer wallowing in head scratcher land. For the record, Doc's basketball resume is now 16 pages long. Now that Doc has the college scheduling down, he builds a juggernaut and takes it deep into the tournament. Suddenly he is up by 20 points, and simply needs to run out the clock to win a title. But it's just not to be. A 20 point lead in this man's hands is about as likely to disappear as a bucket of lard at a weight watcher's convention.
In summation what I'm trying to say is teams should hire pro coaches to coach pro, and in college, stick with the college guys. Don't overthink it.
12/6/2024
The latest rankings are out for Division II Men's hoop and the only surprise team on the list is the Colorado School of “Mines”. Basketball is a game best played by sharing the ball with teammates, so obviously a possessive team focused on mine mine mine, instead of yours yours yours would not be expected to succeed. We will keep an eye on this greedy bunch as we go forward.
Because Division I gets all the major press, I suggest some major rule changes in Division II to garner it more coverage.
1 Add four point shots. Many have suggested this for the NBA, making anything behind half court a four point shot. I'm not suggesting that. Half court shots are rare and we don't need to have teams heaving air balls all over creation just because of some subtle rule change. I'm suggesting we take the hardest shot in basketball, the one that keeps these kids up at night; you guessed it - the mid range jumper, and make it worth four points. I doubt anyone is gonna venture in there to take one, since it is almost a guaranteed miss these days, but the news will get out about the possibility of it and I believe more people will tune in.
2 We've all seen Shaka Smart coach. He annually leads the nation in illegal screens as he places his body in harms way all game long, interfering with point guards on both teams as he seeks the best angle to instruct his players. So why not one up Division I by allowing Division II coaches to not only coach from inside the court, but allow them to block shots as well? Tell me you wouldn't enjoy hearing an announcer say, “Duluth is coached by Justin Wieck, who is coming off a four block game last week vs. Lincoln Memorial. Tonight he will be guarding one of the top players in the nation, while wearing a suit and tie, this should be a good one.”
3 The most exciting shot of any basketball game that I've attended was at halftime when the shooter vaults himself in the air off a small portable trampoline. I think you can fill in the rest on this one.
4 Instead of the lame possession arrow, replace it by taking the two players involved in the tie up, and putting them inside a mosh pit with several drunk students. Put punk rock band Scream on full blast over the loudspeakers and let the fun begin. Place the refs inside the mosh pit too so they can call fouls. Whoever comes out with the ball retains possession.
5 My last suggestion to get Division II more coverage is to make overtime more fun. We just watched these teams play 40 minutes and they couldn't settle it; don't force us to watch 5 more minutes of the same thing. This past summer I attended an Indian Pow Wow and was treated to the most entertaining game ever, FIRE BALL!! A ball dressed in rags and marinated in kerosene for three days is lit and tossed out onto the playing field. Mad fun. If this doesn't bring in more ratings nothing will.
11/29/2024
Folks, Division II Mens basketball is now in full swing. The latest rankings have Nova Southeastern still at the top. What jumps out at me is a team from South Carolina that is sizzling the nets at a 122 points a game clip. That is not a typo, they are scoring 122 points a game. The leader in Division I is Kentucky with 95 points a game, so 122 is saying something. In order to score that many, you'd have to play at a really frenetic pace, so what better name to have than Coker! That's right, the aptly named Coker University is scoring 122 points a game.
When asked how they feel after scoring so many points, the players said, “We end up very rundown. But scoring is a habit, and we don't plan to kick it.” Look for this team to get into the top 25 rankings soon while also being way over budget, unless of course they get the help they need.
11/22/2024
The Division 2 Mens Basketball final will be March 25-29th at the Ford Center in Evansville, Indiana. I plan on heading out to the Pocket City to see it live this time around. This week I want to share what it might be like if Division 2 Men's Hoop had their own classified ads.
Division two classified ads:
Quick guard seeking new home. Well rested, haven't played in three years. Responder must have gaping hole at point guard and the understanding that I tend to turn it over a lot. Like a real lot. 543-000-0000
Coaching vacancy. North Iowa Junior College of South Iowa seeks mid season replacement assistant coach. Position requires the ability to film games, scout opponents and absorb basketballs fired at your skull by our maniac head coach. 800 Con-Cuss
Cheerleader seeking new boyfriend after midseason breakup with star guard. Applicant must be in Division two or higher, to make him jealous cuz that loser is in D3. I'm five five, 100 lbs, and live in Iowa. Will travel to make this happen. @d3losernomore
Tennessee Village University seeking full time video analyst. Applicant must have good sea legs and be able to handle footage from our rather shaky camera man, who was recently diagnosed with Tourettes and Parkinson's. Barf bags will be supplied. 098-VER-TIGO
College of the Interior seeks part time painter. Paint on our court has faded to where the ref has to guess if it was a three or not. Applicant must be able to paint in an arc motion. 555-666-9999
College of the Interior seeks part time painter. Paint on our free throw lines has deteriorated to the point where refs no longer call fouls, cuz they don't want to have to guess where the free throw line is. Applicant must be able to paint in a straight line. If you know someone who paints arcs see above. 555-666-9999
Basketballs!! who needs basketballs? We at NCAA headquarters are up to our asses in basketballs. Ever wonder what happens to all the balls after a season is over? They end up back here in our f$##@ offices. I don't sneak my secretary into the office and fool around with her, but if I did it would be like trying to hump a stuffed monkey in the Ball Pit at Chuck E. Cheese. ( I actually did fool around with her once, but let's keep that tween us.) So give us a call, ask for the Ball Dept and we can ship a trailer full of these right your way.
11/15/2024
Hey folks,
If you're like me, and you bet the house on Nova Southeastern to mimic the KC Chiefs and run the table while repeating as champs - they're off to a 4-0 start. The Chiefs have Mahomes, and the Nova Sharks have a player named MJ, who is currently second in the nation in scoring.
Snooping around a D2 program this week, I stumbled across the Daily Planner of a player.
Some interesting nuggets so I thought I'd share it with you.
7 am. Wake up, practice jump shot by tossing underwear into hamper. Practice hook shot by tossing socks into hamper. Practice finger roll by picking nose and dropping dried crud ball into the radiator vent.
7:06 am. Wake up roommate by practicing dunks on metal trash can with rolled up, past due assignments.
7:24 am. Shower off yesterday's training sweat from the 4pm practice.
725 am. Eat breakfast, consisting of last night's pizza slices, and whatever edible delights you find in your shoe.
7:26 pm. Call Mom, ask her to send money.
8 am. Head to philosophy class. Spend class going over coaches recent defensive alignments. Feign interest in philosophy lesson by raising hand once and asking if Nietzsche would have been more of a man to man or a zone guy.
10 am. Walk to next class. Spend the time writing told ya so letters to all D1 coaches who passed you over, and currently have no wins. Feign interest in this class by raising hand and asking if marine biology is an oxymoron since biology is about living things, but Marines kill people.
12 pm. Eat lunch at school cafeteria. Choose seat near mens room since you'll be sprinting in there shortly thereafter.
1230 pm. Send those aforementioned letters out to the college programs that suck. Call Mom. Ask her to send more stamps.
1pm. Walk to next class. Sit in back and take nap before practice. Near end of class, begin stretching out, using desk as a leg holder.
4 pm. Practice!
6 pm Walk back to dorm. Fetch underwear out of hamper and take twenty more jump shots.
7 pm. Turn on ESPN and watch D1 game. Tweet at both teams telling them to "come get ya."
8:30 pm. Buckle down and do homework.
8:33 pm. Relax and get ready for bed. Practice is in 19.5 hours !
10/25/2024
The start of the season is upon us in Division two college basketball. I feel like Division 2 is often overlooked and it shouldn't be. It's very difficult to play division 2 college basketball. 1.3% of all high school basketball players end up playing Division 2. That's roughly the same odds as trying to catch fish by driving a car off a bridge with the windows open. I bring this up because that was my project in college. I was unsuccessful in my endeavor to catch fish using a Honda Civic as bait. So many factors come into play. You have to hit the water at the perfect angle. You have to have the right speed and you have to come into an area where there are fish. Above and beyond that, you have to be able to swim. So I'll be sharing my insights throughout the season. The defending champs, Minnesota State, will be a force to reckon with, as their All American Drew Blair returns for another season. There has been a lot of turnover in the Division 2 off-season, so experience could play a big part in the upcoming year.
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