2/16/2025
FGCU crushing it as always, beating the North Florida Ospreys 78-49 on the 12th and the Stetson Hatters 65-43 on the 15th. The Eagles remain number one in the league and that’s plenty thanks to Emani Jefferson, who’s scored 345 points alone this season. I managed to get a short interview with Jefferson after a recent game.
I asked what inspired her to start playing basketball.
She answered, “Mainly to get on Hot Ones.”
She continued, “I figure if I keep playing really well, I can become pseudo-famous enough to land a spot on the online interview series hosted by Sean Evans, the show with hot questions and even hotter wings.”
I start to ask when she started playing but she cuts me off, saying “I just feel like the celebrities on the show are faking it. I get the diablo sauce every time I go to taco bell and I’m literally fine.”
I inquire about some of her idols but she once again interrupts me, “I’d like to make Sean Evans cry. He’d look at me with that sinister twinkle in his eye, thinking that the watered down bottles of ketchup he calls hot sauce would remotely resonate on my tastebuds. I want to see the hope drain from his face when he realizes I’m not Scarlett Johansson, I’m not Shaquille O’Neal, I’m Emani Jefferson, and I have beaten him. But yeah if the basketball doesn’t get me on there, maybe I’ll try to win an Oscar or something.”
2/9/2025
For the second time in around 2 weeks, FGCU played the Bellarmine Knights. In the previous game (to nobody’s surprise) the Eagles wiped the floor with the Knights. Leading up to their rematch on February 6th, Bellarmine players were heard whispering, “No no no no please please please please. Please God any other team, please”.
The pleas were met with no mercy. FGCU took the win, 74-57. Bystanders said that it was like “watching ants fight a massive steamroller”.
On February 8th, FGCU faced the Eastern Kentucky Colonels, another team that they’d already beaten around 2 weeks prior. However, the Colonels were more prepared. After pulling all their players from classes for rigorous, nonstop practice, Eastern Kentucky was able to pull off one of the more impressive feats against the Eagles in recent memory: only losing by 3 points. The game ended 68-65 and Eastern Kentucky threw their team a parade. The school now gives students the week of the 8th off and will forever recognize it as “almost beat FGCU day”.
2/2/2025
Thursday, January 30th, the Eagles played and beat the Lipscomb Bison, 63-50. The only team better at wiping Bison off the board was the United States government. Fortunately, FGCU does it far more ethically.
Two days later on February 1st, the Eagles beat the Austin Peay Governors, 45-35. To be fair though, this one wasn’t the most evenly matched. Right before the game, the Governors were hit with a very contagious bout of appendicitis. FGCU had to go against Austin Peay’s substitute team, which was composed of every single state governor in the country because I guess I just write about the government now. While they had a numbers advantage, all the governors really did was argue and buy a bunch of Coke from the vending machine. All that came out of it was a draft of a new constitutional amendment that says the Austin Peay Governors have to win every single time.
1/26/2025
The new season of Severance just dropped and as an Apple TV plus subscriber I was able to get the severance procedure done as a fun little promo, or at least that’s what I’ve been told in this letter I found from my other self. My memories have been divided into the moments I spend writing for College Basketball Times and the entire rest of my life.
On Thursday the 23rd, the Eagles went up against the Bellarmine Knights, destroying them 80-63. This will be huge news for what I assume are the many thousands of fans who read my weekly columns.
Following that game, the Eagles played the Eastern Kentucky Colonels on Saturday the 25th, winning 86-56. I imagine “CBT editor Dave Barend” will be pleased, a man I’ve only communicated with occasionally via email and I can only assume is some kind of Presidential figure.
Hey also, I’d like to note, I think my outer self is in a really bad place right now, can somebody check on him? Each time I wake up, I’m completely naked, doused in glitter, and I’ve got a new tattoo. The most recent one looks to be a barcode with text above that says “Free Denny’s for life”
1/19/2025
F-G-C-U E-A-G-L-E-S, you know what that spells? DESTRUCTION.
The Ws keep pouring in, people. In fact, after beating the Queens University of Charlotte Royals 69-47 on the 16th and the West Georgia Wolves 95-62 on the 18th, higher ups at the NCAA are trying to find ways to reign in FGCU and give the other teams a chance.
They’ve toyed with the idea of covering the Eagles’ shoes in glue, but that only led to a crazy wall-crawling advantage.
They tried to limit the team’s range of motion further by having them all wear those inflatable T-Rex costumes, but it turns out that just scared the opponents even more.
And finally, they tried tethering all of the teammates together like a giant human rat-king, but then immediately regretted it because everyone started Googling “rat-king” and throwing up.
The Eagles remain the top team in the Atlantic Sun, and it doesn’t look like they’re going anywhere. I’m happy I can finally be proud to hail from Florida.
1/12/2025
UMMM HELLO NUMBER 1 IN THE LEAGUE?
This winning streak will go down in history. After 3 consecutive wins on the 4th, 9th and 11th, FGCU has cemented their legacy. If you would’ve told 2 year old Trey that he’d be reporting on this exact moment, he’d go “googoo gaga” and crap himself.
I feel like Red Smith, if Red Smith was lactose intolerant, bisexual and HOT.
And I can only hope that one day, like Red, a college age sports writer will find me when he doesn’t know any famous sports journalists and has to start looking them up.
Go Eagles.
I love basketball.
1/5/2025
On January 2nd, the Eagles, to nobody’s surprise, destroyed the Queens University of Charlotte Royals 81-58. The Eagles’ sheer amount of wins this season combined with the strong anti-monarchist sentiment that comes with beating the “Royals” has prompted the US government to consider utilizing FGCU athlete DNA in order to create “super-soldiers."
“New Year, new me,” says William J. Burns, current director of the CIA, before injecting himself with a saliva sample found on the court post-game.
FGCU is now second in the league behind the Eastern Kentucky Colonels, who they’re set to play in a few weeks. Hopefully the team can keep up the hustle until then. We asked Director Burns to comment on how he thinks the season will go, however, at that point he had turned into a mutated wolf man after figuring out the saliva sample was from someone’s service dog.
12/29/2024
There may not have been a new game this week, but my column stops for no holidays. FGCU doesn’t play again until Thursday January 2nd so I figured now would be the perfect time to discuss 3 major changes I think should be made to the game of basketball in my professional opinion as someone who’s been a sports columnist for around a month.
I think each team should have a special power/ability based on their mascot. Currently, a mascot has little to no relevance when it comes to the actual rules of basketball. I mean, what’s even the point of having one? This would make the mascots more relevant and encourage teams to pick way cooler mascots. Here’s an example of a power/ability: 4 times during a game, the FGCU Eagles can release a live Eagle onto the court that could pick up any player and aid them in making a sick aerial dunk. I think this could add a new strategic element to the game and overall make it more raw/dope.
In the event that nobody can find the basketball, it should be totally cool to use a ball from a different sport. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to a basketball game where somebody misplaces the ball before it starts and they just end up canceling the whole thing. I always offer up my bowling ball when it happens (I always have it with me, you never know when a bowling emergency might happen) but then they all act super weird about it. Quite frankly, a ball is a ball and I think if someone is a good athlete, they can shoot a three pointer regardless of if they’re using a basketball, baseball, tennis ball, pool ball, or even a puck.
Killing should be allowed. The Romans were onto something with gladiator matches. A crowd loves to see things get brutal. Obviously not everyone would be on board with this so there would still be no kill leagues. However, as long as players are fully aware and totally ok with the fact that a game may result in their untimely demise, I see only positives. It’s also infamously hard for murderers to get jobs after being released from prison so this new rule could boost the economy by providing careers for people who’s only resume skill is killin’.
Let me know what you think of this! And get hyped for January 2nd, when regularly scheduled updates will resume.
12/22/2024
The Eagles played three games this week, one on Monday the 16th and two back to back Saturday and Sunday. It was as though every other team had a secret evil meeting where they decided the only way to stop FGCU’s winning streak was to try tiring them out.
Despite this, the team would not be deterred. They won the Saturday game 79-48 and the Sunday game 67-54. However on the Monday game, the Eagles were finally beaten by the Montana State Bobcats, 58-49. The prophecy of the team who would finally end the Eagles’ winning reign of terror was foretold by a 200 year scroll that currently resides in the Montana State dining hall.
As to exactly why the Eagles lost, it appears that halfway through the game, in the spirit of the season, star player Emani Jefferson was whisked away by three ghosts who showed her basketball games of past, present and future. This unfortunately put her out of the game and lost the team a major advantage. I suppose the silver lining is that when she returned, she seemed overjoyed and tossed two shillings and a sixpence to the assistant coach, demanding he go to the store and buy the goose “as big as him”. Even after a loss, FGCU kept on fighting and got right back up on their feet, the only hangup was the assistant coach had no clue how he was supposed to buy anything with a bunch of super outdated British currency.
12/14/2024
In their game on Sunday, December 8th, the FGCU women’s basketball team went up against Ave Maria University. You’d think a school with a name like Ave Maria would have some kind of holy power on their side.
But evidently that isn’t enough to stop FGCU, who scored roughly double the points of Ave Maria, the final score being 82-43. This is the second game in a row that the Eagles have scored around twice as much as the competition. The two game streak prompted Ave Maria University to hire a paranormal investigator. After a 41-16 score in the first half, Ave Maria’s coach went on record saying “We can’t be getting destroyed this hard right now, there’s gotta be a genie involved here."
After reviewing FGCU’s facilities, Deacon Wolfsbane, a popular Arcane Detective ruled that “The Eagles have made no deals with any sort of Demon, Genie, Djinn, Fairy, Leprechaun or non-specific wish-granting deity, they’re just that good." Wolfsbane then got into a fight with campus security because his flaming skeletal horse was double parked.
Great job to the Eagles, let’s hope this winning streak continues!
12/7/2024
This past Wednesday, the Florida Gulf Coast Eagles hosted the Mighty Banyans from New College of Florida. I can’t say they were great hosts, however, because I don’t think it’s customary to WIPE THE FLOOR with your guests.
The Eagles won with a whopping 91-32 score. While many went to parties in celebration of this victory, I made the callous decision to adopt a pet eagle to show my solidarity with the team’s mascot.
So let’s get an idea of what that game looked like. In the first half, FGCU scored a total 38 points, New College only scoring 15. A massive lead that prompted me to start filling out adoption papers for a rescue eagle I was planning on naming “Basketball”.
In the second half, FGCU decided they still weren’t playing quite as hard as they could be, scoring 53 points while the Mighty Banyans scored 17. Speaking of scoring, I scored on 200 pounds of raw “mystery meat” to feed Basketball. The guy selling it to me repeatedly assured me that it “wasn’t human”, even though I didn’t ask. Then on my way out, I heard him whisper to a framed picture of his grandmother: “Oh my god, he believed me”.
Overall this is an incredible victory for FGCU, who are 6-2 this season and currently placed second in the league. Eagles player Alahna Paige scored a season high 23 points during this game. Definitely worth keeping an eye on her as well as anyone else on this incredible team. I know I’ll be keeping an eye on the stats day and night because every time I try to go to sleep, Basketball swoops down on me and starts ripping my eyebrows out.
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