1/12/2025
UMMM HELLO NUMBER 1 IN THE LEAGUE?
This winning streak will go down in history. After 3 consecutive wins on the 4th, 9th and 11th, FGCU has cemented their legacy. If you would’ve told 2 year old Trey that he’d be reporting on this exact moment, he’d go “googoo gaga” and crap himself.
I feel like Red Smith, if Red Smith was lactose intolerant, bisexual and HOT.
And I can only hope that one day, like Red, a college age sports writer will find me when he doesn’t know any famous sports journalists and has to start looking them up.
Go Eagles.
I love basketball.
1/5/2025
On January 2nd, the Eagles, to nobody’s surprise, destroyed the Queens University of Charlotte Royals 81-58. The Eagles’ sheer amount of wins this season combined with the strong anti-monarchist sentiment that comes with beating the “Royals” has prompted the US government to consider utilizing FGCU athlete DNA in order to create “super-soldiers."
“New Year, new me,” says William J. Burns, current director of the CIA, before injecting himself with a saliva sample found on the court post-game.
FGCU is now second in the league behind the Eastern Kentucky Colonels, who they’re set to play in a few weeks. Hopefully the team can keep up the hustle until then. We asked Director Burns to comment on how he thinks the season will go, however, at that point he had turned into a mutated wolf man after figuring out the saliva sample was from someone’s service dog.
12/29/2024
There may not have been a new game this week, but my column stops for no holidays. FGCU doesn’t play again until Thursday January 2nd so I figured now would be the perfect time to discuss 3 major changes I think should be made to the game of basketball in my professional opinion as someone who’s been a sports columnist for around a month.
I think each team should have a special power/ability based on their mascot. Currently, a mascot has little to no relevance when it comes to the actual rules of basketball. I mean, what’s even the point of having one? This would make the mascots more relevant and encourage teams to pick way cooler mascots. Here’s an example of a power/ability: 4 times during a game, the FGCU Eagles can release a live Eagle onto the court that could pick up any player and aid them in making a sick aerial dunk. I think this could add a new strategic element to the game and overall make it more raw/dope.
In the event that nobody can find the basketball, it should be totally cool to use a ball from a different sport. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to a basketball game where somebody misplaces the ball before it starts and they just end up canceling the whole thing. I always offer up my bowling ball when it happens (I always have it with me, you never know when a bowling emergency might happen) but then they all act super weird about it. Quite frankly, a ball is a ball and I think if someone is a good athlete, they can shoot a three pointer regardless of if they’re using a basketball, baseball, tennis ball, pool ball, or even a puck.
Killing should be allowed. The Romans were onto something with gladiator matches. A crowd loves to see things get brutal. Obviously not everyone would be on board with this so there would still be no kill leagues. However, as long as players are fully aware and totally ok with the fact that a game may result in their untimely demise, I see only positives. It’s also infamously hard for murderers to get jobs after being released from prison so this new rule could boost the economy by providing careers for people who’s only resume skill is killin’.
Let me know what you think of this! And get hyped for January 2nd, when regularly scheduled updates will resume.
12/22/2024
The Eagles played three games this week, one on Monday the 16th and two back to back Saturday and Sunday. It was as though every other team had a secret evil meeting where they decided the only way to stop FGCU’s winning streak was to try tiring them out.
Despite this, the team would not be deterred. They won the Saturday game 79-48 and the Sunday game 67-54. However on the Monday game, the Eagles were finally beaten by the Montana State Bobcats, 58-49. The prophecy of the team who would finally end the Eagles’ winning reign of terror was foretold by a 200 year scroll that currently resides in the Montana State dining hall.
As to exactly why the Eagles lost, it appears that halfway through the game, in the spirit of the season, star player Emani Jefferson was whisked away by three ghosts who showed her basketball games of past, present and future. This unfortunately put her out of the game and lost the team a major advantage. I suppose the silver lining is that when she returned, she seemed overjoyed and tossed two shillings and a sixpence to the assistant coach, demanding he go to the store and buy the goose “as big as him”. Even after a loss, FGCU kept on fighting and got right back up on their feet, the only hangup was the assistant coach had no clue how he was supposed to buy anything with a bunch of super outdated British currency.
12/14/2024
In their game on Sunday, December 8th, the FGCU women’s basketball team went up against Ave Maria University. You’d think a school with a name like Ave Maria would have some kind of holy power on their side.
But evidently that isn’t enough to stop FGCU, who scored roughly double the points of Ave Maria, the final score being 82-43. This is the second game in a row that the Eagles have scored around twice as much as the competition. The two game streak prompted Ave Maria University to hire a paranormal investigator. After a 41-16 score in the first half, Ave Maria’s coach went on record saying “We can’t be getting destroyed this hard right now, there’s gotta be a genie involved here."
After reviewing FGCU’s facilities, Deacon Wolfsbane, a popular Arcane Detective ruled that “The Eagles have made no deals with any sort of Demon, Genie, Djinn, Fairy, Leprechaun or non-specific wish-granting deity, they’re just that good." Wolfsbane then got into a fight with campus security because his flaming skeletal horse was double parked.
Great job to the Eagles, let’s hope this winning streak continues!
12/7/2024
This past Wednesday, the Florida Gulf Coast Eagles hosted the Mighty Banyans from New College of Florida. I can’t say they were great hosts, however, because I don’t think it’s customary to WIPE THE FLOOR with your guests.
The Eagles won with a whopping 91-32 score. While many went to parties in celebration of this victory, I made the callous decision to adopt a pet eagle to show my solidarity with the team’s mascot.
So let’s get an idea of what that game looked like. In the first half, FGCU scored a total 38 points, New College only scoring 15. A massive lead that prompted me to start filling out adoption papers for a rescue eagle I was planning on naming “Basketball”.
In the second half, FGCU decided they still weren’t playing quite as hard as they could be, scoring 53 points while the Mighty Banyans scored 17. Speaking of scoring, I scored on 200 pounds of raw “mystery meat” to feed Basketball. The guy selling it to me repeatedly assured me that it “wasn’t human”, even though I didn’t ask. Then on my way out, I heard him whisper to a framed picture of his grandmother: “Oh my god, he believed me”.
Overall this is an incredible victory for FGCU, who are 6-2 this season and currently placed second in the league. Eagles player Alahna Paige scored a season high 23 points during this game. Definitely worth keeping an eye on her as well as anyone else on this incredible team. I know I’ll be keeping an eye on the stats day and night because every time I try to go to sleep, Basketball swoops down on me and starts ripping my eyebrows out.
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